Wednesday, May 9, 2007

You have been sentenced to 3 months at Jansport.

Ok, so here's a story for you.

We decided to fill out another application for Jansport. It had been almost 5 weeks since we had first applied and we still felt like they would hire us even if we had to bug them to do so. We took our applications down on Monday. Part of how that came about was Kirsten applied the week before and was hired within a week.

Yestermorn, I woke up. We sleep in the room below the kitchen and enjoy the sounds of the garbage disposal, little doggy footsteps, telephone conversations and dishes being put away, every day. I could hear that Beth was on the phone and putting dishes away. I could also hear that Stuart and Josh were up there. I heard Beth switch conversations as she answered a call on the other line. It was for Josh. I heard Josh talking and then Beth pick up her conversation again...
Beth hung up and then I heard some frustration. There had been another call come in that was ignored then *69'd. It was indeed Jansport. Stuart tried leaving a message but wasn't hopeful, thinking that was our one chance and we'd muffed it. Last week we left our names with the Jansport secretary and hadn't heard anything so we were just assuming they didn't want us.

Beth left to take Josh to school. She was miffed. Stuart was miffed. I felt fine, as usual. I didn't understand why everyone was mad. Hm.

The phone rings. Stuart answers it, for once. It's Jansport and it's also 10.30am. Melissa (Jansport woman) said she'd just gotten our applications and wondered if we could go and fill out some paperwork - no interview, just paperwork. We head down there and are half an hour early. Fine. We sit and listen to the secretary tell another woman about how she has a crazy daughter and no husband and how she was abused as a child and that her daughter behaves like she was abused but never was... Chuck, the headhoncho comes down and recognises us from last summer and welcomes us. Melissa comes down.We fill out the paperwork and I signed my maiden name. Weird. My maiden name isn't "weird" but it was weird that I signed it... Anyway, Stuart is offered a position as a forklift driver. They were going to train him and pay him more. It sounded good apart from how Stuart is scared of heights and how we only have one car and sometimes the forklift people work shorter/longer days... He was happy to try but then decided not to.

We got the directions to the drug test place. I hate drug tests. It's gross and embarrassing. They don't do that back home.

Stuart was driving and I was meant to be giving directions from the little map. I know this will sound like an excuse but American maps are different than British ones and I just can't get the hang of how you drive along and not into the street name... I just can't! That is actually an excuse because when Stuart would ask for a street name I just picked any and gave it to him. He started getting mad because he cottoned on to what I was doing. He saw me turning the map around and he knew I was looking out the window more than I should have been. Anyway he pulled over - I thought he was reading the sign with the names of all the buildings in the complex. I knew at that point where we were. He took the map, looked quick, grunted and then started driving. I just sat smiling because he'd found where we were meant to be. Little did I know that he was having a nervous breakdown because he had no idea where he was. I pointed and to the building and said "there it is!" He was astonished then confessed he had no idea how we made it there and that he was irked because of my fooling around. I just thought he knew where he was going. I should have known better.

Into the drug place we go. We fill out the paperwork and grab a cup of water. There wasn't many people there so we were excited to get in and out. We hadn't eaten anything yet and were hungry. Stuart turns into a beast when he's hungry.

Stuart got called in first to pee. He came out and was said something like "I almost couldn't fill it up! I got half way and thought I had nothing left!" I mocked him because they really only need a dribble.

I got called in and was ready to go. I sit down on the loo and remember how much I hate trying to pee in a cup. I wished my name was Lawrence and that I was boy at that moment.

I pee and miss the cup. Damn it! Thank goodness for Kegals. I pee again and it goes in the cup and I'm happy. I look at how much pee is in it and then I'm not happy. At that moment there's a knock on the door and a woman says "Ok, Laura, you only have one minute left." Uuuuh. Awkward. I try to pee a little more and nothing. I then place the cup down and start to say a prayer but then there's a knock on the door; "Ok, Laura you have to come out now!" I burst out laughing.

As I emerged from the bathroom, without flushing the toilet and without washing my hands - it's the rules, the woman asked if I was done. I laugh again and she peeks in my cup and tells me it's not enough and I have to throw it away. Dangit! "What now?" I ask her. Now I have 3 hours to complete my test. I'm not allowed to leave the building and if I drink too much water it'll dilute my wee and then I won't get to start work on Thursday... It was all very embarrassing.

I came out the room and looked at Stuart, hungry and ready to go home. I burst out laughing and he's confused. I then explain. I'm sure he thought I was a failure. He might even have been mad at me for not being able to complete such a simple test.
I drink the alotted amount of water in 10 minutes. The whole time Stuart is asking if I have to go yet. I wanted to go but I wasn't sure I'd have enough to give and then I'd fail the test. I decided to stand up and sit down a few times and then I started pressing on my bladder. Stuart started talking about the sea. That was doing the trick but I still wasn't sure if I'd have enough.

An hour and a half later I declare that I'm ready to pee. I get the cup. I sit down and pee for dear life. I had enough! I had *just* enough! Yaaaay!

I came out the bathroom and reminded myself of Rocky when he runs to the top of the steps, except I didn't punch the air, I was holding a cup o pee. I did cheer when I came out though.

The girl took my wee and poured it into a little thing, sealed it and put it in a bag. I recognised that this was not correct. It was incorrect. Scared. I just stand waiting and looking at her. She looks up and says "Oh! Yours is meant to be a rapid urine test!" Oh-oh. She had thrown away the rest of my pee and poured a small amount into the little tube thing. I was hoping that half a prayer I'd said on the toilet earlier would pay off... It did. Just. She had just enough to do the test.

When she told me I was clean I let her know that she could have saved us all a lot of time if she'd just asked to begin with.

What a day. We start work on Thursday.

1 comment:

Katz said...

i hate peeing in cups too. congrats on the new job!