Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The reluctant post.

So I've been putting this off all day but I need to do it.

Today is the 15th anniversary of Caitlin's death.

Like I said on her birthday the time has just flown by. I'm not sad anymore when I think about it but I try to live to be a better example to her if she was still here. I had a lot of regrets about not having a good relationship with Beki and how things turned out there. I blamed myself for her choices because I always just wanted the best for her and for her to be truely happy. I want Beki for eternity.

I wonder how Caitlin would have turned out; if I'd blame myself for her mistakes when really I have no control over anyone else and I'm maybe not even in control of myself all the time... ok, not really. Maybe she would have a strong testimony and a life plan. Maybe she would have followed Beki's example because my expectations were too high for her.
I really try not to live in the past and I don't like to dwell on 'what-ifs' but this is something I think about all the time.

I hope I can have children who understand the importance of eternity. It's hard to lose someone in this life but it certainly drives me harder to behave and get back to my little sister.
I wonder if she's happy with the choices I've made.


Stephanie said...

I always play the what if game. I think what is important is the lessons we learn from death and the way we make ourselves better from those lessons we learn. And of course she's happy with the choices you've made. Just look at you! Married in the temple to a great guy, being such a good friend to everyone you meet. You're amazing!

Cindy Swanson said...

Hi Laura! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I'm a little bit obsessed with all things Scottish...I long to visit there someday! Also, my daughter-in-law is from Idaho (Boise). I'll have to stop by your blog more often!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure she's near you quite a bit.