It's time for me to take a break before I drive myself into an early grave.
I've had an awful lot of things on my mind recently. A lot of it is annoying because it's all restrictive. I want to do things!:
I've been thinking about turning my blog to private for a few days. I like to keep it open for all my family to have access to it. I'm still thinking about this one because I really don't want it to be private but it still makes some sense to change it.
I love to blog. I love having a place to vent and to report about my day but I've had no time or anything to write about these past few weeks other than my adventures with the Scumbuster and my back pains. I haven't cooked anything special or baked anything... Keeping the kitchen clean is important for now. I still love to blog though and won't stop, for my family and friends sake.
I love family history. I can't just sit down for an hour to do it though. It's an all day thing and right now my brain is packed with other information about storage units, move out dates, white glove lists etc... When I'm in the Family History Zone I lose a lot of sleep because the names occupy my mind so much which is usually fine but right now I can't afford to lose any more sleep with hip pain and stress of moving.
I love to entertain. We're trying to get through the next couple weeks without buying much more groceries so we don't waste money. Having people over for dinner isn't an option anymore. I love to cook for people so that's making me pretty sad. When we invite people over I like to have a little treat for them but unless they like cream of chicken soup I can't cater to them anymore. Sad.
I've been realising how easily emotionally abused I can be. It's horrifying that at this age I'm still not over being so sensitive. I'm working on it though. I'm more aware that I've got enough Beki in me to make a difference. I can stand up for myself and I will - a little lesson learned through marriage too ;) Part of my emotional weakness comes from battling an eating disorder for years. When I get very stressed or upset I have urges from that past addiction to take charge and control myself in a way no-one else can. Realising that making myself sick is what controlled me is key but it's still a difficult urge to resist at times.
The lesson of "broken backs take longer to heal than broken hearts" is another thing I've been thinking about. September 2007 (not when the initial lesson was learned) was very hard for me and I might still be healing from that. Emma brought up a point about how almost all of my friends have kids and Stuart and I don't. That doesn't really upset me anymore. Stuart and I are really happy. We've been married for 4 years now and have been having fun from the get-go. We want children but can wait for when it's the right time. I like kids. I had fun babysitting for an hour last week and when the baby went home I wasn't depressed. I don't feel the pressure of having children just because I'm married anymore.
I have great friends. I'm blessed that they accept me for the shell of a girl I am right now. I'm thankful that I can pick up right where I left off with most of them and that they're so in tune with me that know what's going on. Thanks friends! I'll be back to my old self in almost no time at all - about 2 more weeks.
I'm also thankful that my parents/family fall into that 'friend' category as well. I talk to my parents once a month on the phone and that's fine. We're all happy with that. I'm glad I'm not one of those people that have to talk on the phone weekly with parents; can you say 'homesickness'? The time on the phone with my mum every month is perfect. And we have Eternity, right?
There you have it. From the brain of the emotionally drained.