Thursday, March 27, 2008

Time Out.

It's time for me to take a break before I drive myself into an early grave.

I've had an awful lot of things on my mind recently. A lot of it is annoying because it's all restrictive. I want to do things!:

I've been thinking about turning my blog to private for a few days. I like to keep it open for all my family to have access to it. I'm still thinking about this one because I really don't want it to be private but it still makes some sense to change it.

I love to blog. I love having a place to vent and to report about my day but I've had no time or anything to write about these past few weeks other than my adventures with the Scumbuster and my back pains. I haven't cooked anything special or baked anything... Keeping the kitchen clean is important for now. I still love to blog though and won't stop, for my family and friends sake.

I love family history. I can't just sit down for an hour to do it though. It's an all day thing and right now my brain is packed with other information about storage units, move out dates, white glove lists etc... When I'm in the Family History Zone I lose a lot of sleep because the names occupy my mind so much which is usually fine but right now I can't afford to lose any more sleep with hip pain and stress of moving.

I love to entertain. We're trying to get through the next couple weeks without buying much more groceries so we don't waste money. Having people over for dinner isn't an option anymore. I love to cook for people so that's making me pretty sad. When we invite people over I like to have a little treat for them but unless they like cream of chicken soup I can't cater to them anymore. Sad.

I've been realising how easily emotionally abused I can be. It's horrifying that at this age I'm still not over being so sensitive. I'm working on it though. I'm more aware that I've got enough Beki in me to make a difference. I can stand up for myself and I will - a little lesson learned through marriage too ;) Part of my emotional weakness comes from battling an eating disorder for years. When I get very stressed or upset I have urges from that past addiction to take charge and control myself in a way no-one else can. Realising that making myself sick is what controlled me is key but it's still a difficult urge to resist at times.

The lesson of "broken backs take longer to heal than broken hearts" is another thing I've been thinking about. September 2007 (not when the initial lesson was learned) was very hard for me and I might still be healing from that. Emma brought up a point about how almost all of my friends have kids and Stuart and I don't. That doesn't really upset me anymore. Stuart and I are really happy. We've been married for 4 years now and have been having fun from the get-go. We want children but can wait for when it's the right time. I like kids. I had fun babysitting for an hour last week and when the baby went home I wasn't depressed. I don't feel the pressure of having children just because I'm married anymore.

I have great friends. I'm blessed that they accept me for the shell of a girl I am right now. I'm thankful that I can pick up right where I left off with most of them and that they're so in tune with me that know what's going on. Thanks friends! I'll be back to my old self in almost no time at all - about 2 more weeks.

I'm also thankful that my parents/family fall into that 'friend' category as well. I talk to my parents once a month on the phone and that's fine. We're all happy with that. I'm glad I'm not one of those people that have to talk on the phone weekly with parents; can you say 'homesickness'? The time on the phone with my mum every month is perfect. And we have Eternity, right?

There you have it. From the brain of the emotionally drained.


Tracy Ngu said...

It's always a good idea to take a break now and then. Especially when you have so much on your plate like you do right now. When you do come back you will be rejuvenated and hopefully the things that are bothering you right now will have disappeared! Hopefully you will only have to deal with positive things and positive people. You deserve much happiness and to feel well emotionally!

I will be waiting for you to come back and pick up your wonderfully entertaining blog again! And I will also look forward to more chats with you!

mandy said...

You could never neglect a friend, its not your nature. But I will say that you are perfectly right to take a time out. You need to not neglect yourself either. I love you so much and think the world of you. Don't ever feel sad for not having your babies yet. The Lord knows your path and I think you are right to not worry. You are so sweet. Did I say I love you! Thanks for the words of wisdom and for the emotion. We all feel this way at times. If you need to vent call anytime. :) No words from me, just an ear to listen to you.
I hope your blog break serves you well and you find some peace and quiet.... and some good old loud FUN! Enjoy your break and good luck with the move and everything.

LeaAnne said...

I am so proud of you for making this choice. It is hard, but understanding your own needs is the most important thing for your own family!I will look forward to the time that you can return for a little "Hello". Lots of luck to you in the move. I had no baby till I was 30, and I am glad that we had that time. It is good to be YOU.. XOXO

Jon and Sarah Jackson Family said...

You really don't give yourself enough credit. You are a great person and fabulous friend. You have impacted my life for good more than you will ever know. I know there must be things going on in your life that I don't know about, but just know that someone out there will be praying for you.

One more thing, an important and painful lesson that I have learned is that you can't really help other people the way you want to untl you have helped yourself. If anyone judges you for taking some time to work on yourself, refer them to me! I love my Laura!

Vikki Miller said...


I totally know how you feel. I hope this week goes alright. Moving is never easy, especially if it's away from people you love and need, it just always has an effect on you that you can't actually pin-point, but it does effect your entire life.

I hope things are looking up :)

It will all work out.


And I totally know what you mean about blogging. I sometimes can't be bothered or don't have time for weeks on end. It makes me sad, because i used to be able to even take pictures and upload and edit and post them with my blogs, but I just don't seem to have the time any more. I hate it when other things take over from the things you like doing. It just makes me mad at the world.

I send you some big scottish hugs. I'm hoping to be back in the area of the US soon. So perhaps we can meet and do the proper talking things. :):):) I love your word of the week. It always makes me laugh.

You're a star.


Laura said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. Last week was a really difficult one and none of you really know why but your comments seem inspired.

I'm glad none of you hate me or think I'm horrible.