1. Stuart is pretty sure he isn't going to persue dentistry anymore.
i) There's only 2 more semesters until he's done here. Then what?
ii) I'm scared.
2. I really feel like I need to go home for Christmas.
i) We don't have money for that and we really need to not spend money at all seeing as we don't know what road we're headed down after-school wise.
3. Since talking about the Dentistry thing a few days ago I've been having little panic attacks through the day where I feel like I just need make sure Stuart's ok. We don't have a way to communicate so that makes for very long, stressful days ie. Friday when he was on his field trip and got home at midnight.
i) With today's panic I found myself rearranging the furniture - we only moved in a week ago. I did however end up putting the curtains up and some pictures too.
ii) I also hoovered twice... if we had a crappy hoover that would make a tiny bit of sense - it's still sense even if it is tiny!
iii) I think my acid refluxy thing might be stress related and it makes sense- When I feel sick mentally I've been feeling like I'm physically going to be sick. Need to get that under control.
4. I keep myself under good control but sometimes I get a little burst of "holy crap! what's going to happen?!" I know that we'll be fine and that we're still young so nothing has to be set in stone. We can still have fun. Part of me wants him to get a job right out of school so we can settle down sooner and be able to afford a family - or just health insurance. The other part of me for some reason thinks that if he doesn't go on to more schooling we'll be poor forever and our kids will wear ugly clothes and starve...
i) I know that he doesn't need more schooling for us to be stable. Stabley poor is ok too. I might even be made for that. Stuart will take good care of me. I know that.
5. I haven't been sleeping well these last two nights and when I get up in the morning my neck hurts.
6. I need to kill all the negative, stupid thoughts I'm having. When big, life changing choices come up like this I sometimes mentally curl up in a ball and think horrible things ie. If Stuart wasn't married to me he wouldn't have so much stress.
i) If my back wasn't an idiot I could work and help bring home some bacon and then life would be peachier.
ii) I'm honestly completely done with this back pain and have been for a long time. It can leave whenever it wants. Shoo!
7. I'm renewing my goal to make the most of our time left here. No more pity-partying. I'm going to focus on being more positive or being more consistantly positive anyway. I'm happy to be here and I'll make the most of this time in our lives. We're lucky to have what we have and be where we are.
Tomorrow is a new day. Which reminds me:
Today is a new day.
I've been given this day to use as I will.
I can waste it, or I can use it to do good.
What I do today is important, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in it's place something I have traded for it.
I want it to be gain, not loss.
Good, not evil.
Success, not failure.
And there must be no regrets.
No regrets. That's what I'm going for.