Thursday, October 22, 2009
What a difference a day makes...
To begin with let me just say that spending so much time alone, completely alone really brings out the dramatic in me and no-one knows that more than I do. Stuart might think he knows it more than me but really, when I say those wacky things to him it's not the first time I've had it run through my head. I'm very aware of the effect I have on myself. Haha. This is starting to sound like it's going to be really entertaining. Hold on to your hat!
SO, I am insane. There's a part of me that I don't have as much control over and I'm not talking about my spasmatic bowel because I have NO control over that. I am talking about that crazy part of my brain that is convinced nobody likes me; that people pretend to like me just so they don't hurt my feelings - which if it's true, I really appreciate ;)
I know it's not true but it's in my head. Sometimes it really feels true and sometimes I think it and I laugh and say to myself, "Oh Laura, you are mad!" I know for a fact that my mum really does like me and that Stuart does too.
I think it comes from being bullied when I was young. I won't get into that too much just now but I do enjoy a good psycho analysis. I've always been quiet and sensitive. I always had a problem with standing up for myself. I could act tough but I obviously wasn't. I broke my mum's heart every day for about 5 years straight with my refusal to go to school and my angst. I taught myself that I didn't need people because people are cruel and people will call themselves my friend and invite me to their birthday parties but will ignore when I'm there and tell everyone else not to talk to me. Family sometimes was just as bad. Don't worry, no grudges are held because I know I wasn't exactly a gem either. I hold no grudge but I treasure the lessons I've learned.
The biggest lesson I learned was when I was 17. September 2002. Loyalty. I think from then on I changed and became much stronger. I was willing and able to stand up for someone else which taught me that I could stand up for myself too.
Then I got married. With Stuart being the oldest in his family he has a bossy streak. He was a bit of a bully in that regard. Thanks to September 2002 I was able to stand up for myself and say, "Um, excuse me! Who do you think you're talking to?!" instead of being broken even more by someone with a stronger will than me. All because of September 2002. Stuart and I are perfect for each other!
Ok, I'm on a tangent. The point of this post is that I chose to start the week differently. I missed church this Sunday because of my back. I hate that it doesn't support me - that is really punny! My back stops me from doing what I want - or rather I let it stop me. I can adjust to situations. I need to stop blaming chronic pain for holding me back. So, as I was moping around I decided to invite some people over for FHE. We did and it was good.
Then on Tuesday Stuart and I went on an excursion to The Jelly Belly Factory. Monday and Tuesday were great! Wednesday was the day things went from great to something else all together.
My lack of self esteem had been playing up all last week - think allergies because that's what it's like. It flairs up, sucks out all my energy, makes my eyes water blah blah... I had plans last week to meet a new friend. The weather was atrocious so we cancelled. I'll admit (and I know you're reading this new friend but don't be alarmed) I was so gross about the situation. I said things like "I guess we'll never meet because of the stupid weather! I probably don't deserve friends waaaaaah!" "Lucky for her, she'd probably have to pretend she liked me for the few hours and then gross gross barf splutter nasty horrible words and thoughts yadda yadda." It was especially worse than usual due to the monthly timing, if you get what I'm saying. Those are seriously the crazy kind of things I say to Stuart and he looks at me like I'm morphing into some slimy green glob of goo that's going to stain the carpet and fill the air with putrid gass that smells like eggs and no air freshener will ever cut through it and the stank will be absorbed into his hair and skin and then no-one will ever like him and they'll all start throwing up whenever he's a mile away because they can smell the nasty from that far... Negativity is not good for anyone!
Yesterday I was blessed. Lindsay came to visit even though first thing in the morning things didn't look so good due to her misplaced cellular telephone and I lay in bed getting ready to whine to myself because God was protecting people by not letting them meet me. I know, I am actually crazy. You can't even really tell from meeting me though, can you? ... or can you? Don't tell me. Haha.
Luck changed, the phone was found, prayers were answered. I got up, got dressed about 3 times and was so happy. I love having something to look forward to! I started making our lunch. I had cleaned up the living room the night before so I didn't have to do too much there. I hoovered. The sun was shining, I opened the front door to let some lovely fresh air in. Perfect. It was glorious!
Lindsay arrived and my heart was so happy. As soon as I say her marroon washing machine driving up the road my brain was saying, "Frrrrrrrieeeeeeeeeeend!" We hugged and she came in and things were comfortable and right. We talked and laughed like I love to do. We ate lunch and talked and laughed more and got to know one another. Then we went on an adventure proving that the journey really is the most fun because we never found our way to a destination.
Then we came home and sat in her washing machine in the driveway and talked a bit more. She said things like "We need to help you get inspired again" I couldn't agree more.
The Gypsy Feet is dying. It's my baby and it's dying.
Some days I have no sunshine in my eyes and I'm downright lonely.
I long for days gone by and for the friendships and shenanigans.
I know I'm loved but I need to let myself feel it more.
I painted for the first time in years last week and it felt so good. I don't know why I ever stopped painting. Before Lindsay came I found myself debating about putting glitter on my eyelids. Why would I debate that? I wanted to make a good impression but really, glittery eyes are me. I should never debate things that make me me. And you should never do that either. We should all know who we are and be happy with it because we have a choice to be who we want to be.
I spend a lot of my time encouraging people. I love the look on their faces when I say, "Psh, whatever! You're the best and you're going to do SO well at that!" I come up with so many ideas that I feel benefit people that I love seeing and experiencing their success, it makes me feel like I've achieved something if I can help someone else see their potential. I'm a think tank/life coach and I like it that way. I just need to focus a little more on encouraging myself.
Today I wrote this post on The Gypsy Feet. The season of my life is changing and I need to evolve with it. I won't sit back and just let it pass. I think that would be a sin. Just because it feels like nothing is happening doesn't mean things are not indeed happening. I need to open my eyes, wipe away the tears blurring my vision - that was pretty dramatic but I think it works.
Then this morning I read this post on An Experiment in Poverty and it made me realise that I have a lot to get off my chest. I feel that same way and I freaking HATE it!! I'm fighting a battle against myself! I have a lot to change and a lot to do. I have potential and I'm going to meet that potential. I'm going to meet that potential then take it to the next level and I'm going to keep going and going and going. I'm done with being glum. I miss blogging so I'm going to do it more. I'm making goals and plans and that makes me happy.
So here I am, I'm going to do better. I do need people. I do need friends. I don't enjoy being by myself. Talk to me.
That's the change that's happened to me within the last 24 hours. It feels good.
(This is nothing like how I had planned this post to be but it came from the right place.)