Thursday, October 22, 2009

What a difference a day makes...

A lot has happened to me in the last 24 hours.

To begin with let me just say that spending so much time alone, completely alone really brings out the dramatic in me and no-one knows that more than I do. Stuart might think he knows it more than me but really, when I say those wacky things to him it's not the first time I've had it run through my head. I'm very aware of the effect I have on myself. Haha. This is starting to sound like it's going to be really entertaining. Hold on to your hat!

SO, I am insane. There's a part of me that I don't have as much control over and I'm not talking about my spasmatic bowel because I have NO control over that. I am talking about that crazy part of my brain that is convinced nobody likes me; that people pretend to like me just so they don't hurt my feelings - which if it's true, I really appreciate ;)

I know it's not true but it's in my head. Sometimes it really feels true and sometimes I think it and I laugh and say to myself, "Oh Laura, you are mad!" I know for a fact that my mum really does like me and that Stuart does too.

I think it comes from being bullied when I was young. I won't get into that too much just now but I do enjoy a good psycho analysis. I've always been quiet and sensitive. I always had a problem with standing up for myself. I could act tough but I obviously wasn't. I broke my mum's heart every day for about 5 years straight with my refusal to go to school and my angst. I taught myself that I didn't need people because people are cruel and people will call themselves my friend and invite me to their birthday parties but will ignore when I'm there and tell everyone else not to talk to me. Family sometimes was just as bad. Don't worry, no grudges are held because I know I wasn't exactly a gem either. I hold no grudge but I treasure the lessons I've learned.

The biggest lesson I learned was when I was 17. September 2002. Loyalty. I think from then on I changed and became much stronger. I was willing and able to stand up for someone else which taught me that I could stand up for myself too.

Then I got married. With Stuart being the oldest in his family he has a bossy streak. He was a bit of a bully in that regard. Thanks to September 2002 I was able to stand up for myself and say, "Um, excuse me! Who do you think you're talking to?!" instead of being broken even more by someone with a stronger will than me. All because of September 2002. Stuart and I are perfect for each other!

Ok, I'm on a tangent. The point of this post is that I chose to start the week differently. I missed church this Sunday because of my back. I hate that it doesn't support me - that is really punny! My back stops me from doing what I want - or rather I let it stop me. I can adjust to situations. I need to stop blaming chronic pain for holding me back. So, as I was moping around I decided to invite some people over for FHE. We did and it was good.

Then on Tuesday Stuart and I went on an excursion to The Jelly Belly Factory. Monday and Tuesday were great! Wednesday was the day things went from great to something else all together.

My lack of self esteem had been playing up all last week - think allergies because that's what it's like. It flairs up, sucks out all my energy, makes my eyes water blah blah... I had plans last week to meet a new friend. The weather was atrocious so we cancelled. I'll admit (and I know you're reading this new friend but don't be alarmed) I was so gross about the situation. I said things like "I guess we'll never meet because of the stupid weather! I probably don't deserve friends waaaaaah!" "Lucky for her, she'd probably have to pretend she liked me for the few hours and then gross gross barf splutter nasty horrible words and thoughts yadda yadda." It was especially worse than usual due to the monthly timing, if you get what I'm saying. Those are seriously the crazy kind of things I say to Stuart and he looks at me like I'm morphing into some slimy green glob of goo that's going to stain the carpet and fill the air with putrid gass that smells like eggs and no air freshener will ever cut through it and the stank will be absorbed into his hair and skin and then no-one will ever like him and they'll all start throwing up whenever he's a mile away because they can smell the nasty from that far... Negativity is not good for anyone!

Yesterday I was blessed. Lindsay came to visit even though first thing in the morning things didn't look so good due to her misplaced cellular telephone and I lay in bed getting ready to whine to myself because God was protecting people by not letting them meet me. I know, I am actually crazy. You can't even really tell from meeting me though, can you? ... or can you? Don't tell me. Haha.

Luck changed, the phone was found, prayers were answered. I got up, got dressed about 3 times and was so happy. I love having something to look forward to! I started making our lunch. I had cleaned up the living room the night before so I didn't have to do too much there. I hoovered. The sun was shining, I opened the front door to let some lovely fresh air in. Perfect. It was glorious!

Lindsay arrived and my heart was so happy. As soon as I say her marroon washing machine driving up the road my brain was saying, "Frrrrrrrieeeeeeeeeeend!" We hugged and she came in and things were comfortable and right. We talked and laughed like I love to do. We ate lunch and talked and laughed more and got to know one another. Then we went on an adventure proving that the journey really is the most fun because we never found our way to a destination.

Then we came home and sat in her washing machine in the driveway and talked a bit more. She said things like "We need to help you get inspired again" I couldn't agree more.

The Gypsy Feet is dying. It's my baby and it's dying.
Some days I have no sunshine in my eyes and I'm downright lonely.
I long for days gone by and for the friendships and shenanigans.
I know I'm loved but I need to let myself feel it more.

I painted for the first time in years last week and it felt so good. I don't know why I ever stopped painting. Before Lindsay came I found myself debating about putting glitter on my eyelids. Why would I debate that? I wanted to make a good impression but really, glittery eyes are me. I should never debate things that make me me. And you should never do that either. We should all know who we are and be happy with it because we have a choice to be who we want to be.

I spend a lot of my time encouraging people. I love the look on their faces when I say, "Psh, whatever! You're the best and you're going to do SO well at that!" I come up with so many ideas that I feel benefit people that I love seeing and experiencing their success, it makes me feel like I've achieved something if I can help someone else see their potential. I'm a think tank/life coach and I like it that way. I just need to focus a little more on encouraging myself.

Today I wrote this post on The Gypsy Feet. The season of my life is changing and I need to evolve with it. I won't sit back and just let it pass. I think that would be a sin. Just because it feels like nothing is happening doesn't mean things are not indeed happening. I need to open my eyes, wipe away the tears blurring my vision - that was pretty dramatic but I think it works.

Then this morning I read this post on An Experiment in Poverty and it made me realise that I have a lot to get off my chest. I feel that same way and I freaking HATE it!! I'm fighting a battle against myself! I have a lot to change and a lot to do. I have potential and I'm going to meet that potential. I'm going to meet that potential then take it to the next level and I'm going to keep going and going and going. I'm done with being glum. I miss blogging so I'm going to do it more. I'm making goals and plans and that makes me happy.

So here I am, I'm going to do better. I do need people. I do need friends. I don't enjoy being by myself. Talk to me.

That's the change that's happened to me within the last 24 hours. It feels good.

(This is nothing like how I had planned this post to be but it came from the right place.)


Andrea said...

The first of your post made me so sad! I hate bullies. I ♥ you and am glad you were able to meet up with a friend and have a great time!

Laurie said...

You know, it always surprises me when I read that my friends have the same insecurities and issues I do. I think those same exact thoughts... and I'm sure we're really not the minority in this crazy world.

I'm really glad you and Lindsay found each other. I actually think you both needed each other in San Francisco. Now, if Sacramento isn't considered too far, I have another sassy friend who just moved there who might want in on your shenanigans. ;)

Laura said...

Andrea: Don't be sad. Life sucks but there are great lessons to be learned.

Laurie: The well balance part of my brain always tells me to quit thinking so insanely because I know we all think those same things but for some reason the thoughts are hard to shake but when someone else says they thing the same thing it's easy to say 'don't be daft!'... it's mad.
Sacramento isn't too far. I'm drivers licenseless though so sass has to come to me ;) Is she on facebook?

Jessica Bjorn said...

Bullies suck. I encountered quite a few as a kid, I think I preferred the one who punched me in the face to the ones who psychologically tormented me for years. Eh. But I totally get what you mean, with the "funk spells". I have been in a similar funk the last week, and I don't see the end of it. I am so antisocial, I have been in BHAM for over a year and I haven't made any real friends.... THPPP (raspberry). Whine, whine, blah blah... Totally get the back thing too... I just started PT today!!! Thank goodness! Anyway... I took this photo in tribute to those overly dramatic thoughts I make fun of myself for :
I am glad you are getting out of your funk!!!!

Megan Marie said...

hey. look at us. we are on the same journey i think. my yesterday's post reads about the same, imagine that. i love you. i love you. you inspire me.

Siobhan said...

I hate it when self doubt creeps in. I k now exactly what you were saying though, bullies that were friends (I know, I don't get it either) plagued my life too. But it made me who I am, someone who cares about others' feelings. I adore you Laura, don't ever doubt that. And, just the other night, Bryan said he'd asked what made your soup Chinese and you said "China. Duh." He was cracking up pretty hard. He called you a hoot. Hoot-calling aside, he loves you too. Moving isn't easy, is it?

Laura said...

Siobhan: I was trying to prepare a thought for FHE this week and couldn't come up with anything that really felt right but I found this quote that said something like - We chose to come to earth even though we were told it would be really hard and that there would be pain and trials and sadness. We knew what we were signing up for and we were excited for it. We loved that plan!

And so I was thinking about that and how I know life is hard. Life is hard for everyone. It's a fact but why is it so personal when it's hard for us as an individual. Is that the natural man? We all go through the same rubbish and we can support one another easily but when it's ourselves it's downright difficult!

Moving is hard. I wanted to move, I want to enjoy being here. I just have to deal with that doubty, mopey part of myself.

Lauren said...

You have unlimited potential Laura I have ALWAYS seen that in you. Your strength is incredible and you have gone through so much more than anyone who was to ever meet you would expect and you have handled yourself with dignity through everything. You are an incredible wife who should be credited with a great portion of Stuarts success. He could have never accomplished everything he has scholastically without you. Your spouse is your best friend and YOU have equally contributed to making that happen in your life. Not everyone can say that or maintain that relationship as it should be. You two are an example! I am so proud of you and I hope you are proud of yourself. EVERYONE gets down in the dumps, questions the honesty of relationships, has periods of low self-esteem and confidence but you have decided to take those insecurities that can debilitate people and tackle them head on and not let them control your life. One of my favorite quotes is "Life itself is a most wonderful fairytale." Your life is and is going to be the best fairytale ever written and you are going to end up Happily Ever After in it! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Thank you so much for everything you have taught me in my life. You are a gem!

trina said...

laura, i can't tell you how much i enjoyed this post! i felt like we were kindred spirits like the kind from anne of green gables. :) i laughed and smiled through the whole thing because i have the same crazy kind of mind. thank you for sharing. this was fantastic! much love to you!

Beth Adams said...

Dearest Laura,

Even old women feel that way. It was really hard for me when you all left me to myself this year. When you first came to our family I was in the middle of a great big funk then too. It has taken awhile but I am now taking a light into all the dark cobweby recesses of my mind to get rid of all the thoughts and feelings that hold me back, especially the ones where I just know everyone hates me. I know that I will have to keep trying so that those thoughts don't come creeping back. I also know that it was because of you that I was able to deal with some of the things that were causing the fear. You have also helped me to see some of the bad habits we have allowed to creep in. In seeing things from someone elses view it helps make it easier to focus on a need to change. You are perfect for Stuart. You have so many friends I think I am jealous ;o) You are creative in so many ways. How can someone have so many imagniative ideas?!!??
I am happy you have made a choice to be happier. It's something you have helped so many people be.

Scott and Stacia said...

Why is it that we (girls) feel we have no friends. We get so down on ourselves! Sometime I think if I get dressed and clean the house I would feel better. Sometimes, I feel better when I have a "me" day and don't clean anything :) I wish no one had to work and I had a friend over everyday. Oh how I wish the house would clean itself and I would have all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted (mostly scrapbooking and catching up the boys baby books). I so much hope you love your new home and the people there!!