I'm meant to be studying some psychology right now but keep zoning out and thinking about this so I'm just going to get it out here so I can function...
I was reading a certain sister-in-laws blog this week and she was talking about feeling left behind and other things. Her words reminded me of feelings I've had in the past. Feeling left behind but being forced to move forward at times when I'd like nothing more than to take a few steps back and snuggle down into my little nest of solitude and privacy.
She mentioned having a crush on a boy and how it took her by surprise and her want to get involved in things that are long passed.
The whole post put together got me thinking about a boy that I loved. One of the many things I love about Stuart is that we talk about these things and understand each other. We talk about the people we loved before we met one another. Neither of us believe there's only one person in the world for us to love. The important thing is loving the one you choose more than all the other ones put together. I told Stuart about that part in his sister's post where she mentioned this crush and I told him what I had told her - go for it, life is too short and there's worse things than being turned down by a boy but you'll never know what could be until you go for it. Stuart then said something like - "Yep. The hardest thing is not knowing what could have been. We all live a little in the past and wonder what it would have been like." He then told me that I must still wonder what my life would have been like with that boy. And it's true. I do think about it and I know that it wouldn't be as great as my life is now. It would be completely different, if I'd followed him.
Sometimes I look the boy up to see what he's doing with his life. I only know what he was like. He's still a cool guy but his life took a different course and he left me behind. I took my own road and here I am happier than ever. The old him could have made me very happy but he's different now and so am I and it's 2010, not 1998.
Anyway, I guess I just want to encourage everyone to make the most of their present. Now is what matters. It's hard to live life for the now if your past is tugging at you and it makes it almost impossible to move forward. We need to be who we want to be now. People are going to take little bits of our heart with them along the way but we have more to give. That's the great thing about the heart.
A few of you will know who I'm talking about in this post (even though I've never told anyone about it, the boy knows and Stuart knows.) I thought that would be awkward but it's not, it's actually a little liberating. It's the past. Why do we keep experiences and feelings bottled up when they can help someone else?