Wednesday, April 7, 2010

< 3 to < 3

I have a big breakdown about 3 times a year. I try to do it in private because it mostly comes from me feeling sorry for myself. I tell myself that as a way to sort of deal with issues that are a big enough deal for me to lose my mind over, but also as a way to not go completely insane. I like having a reason for all things. It's probably a control issue. Anyway, last night I felt I was on the verge of the breakdown. I understand myself well enough to just let it come and then it'll go. I don't fight it.

It came last night as I was going to bed. My mum came in to say goodnight to me. She asked if I was ok. I said no. I always say no these days. I say no and I smile because it's ok to not be ok. If you say yes and you're not ok, then that's lying.

She asked something else and the answer was no. No, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to cry and be done. She asked something else and I said no. She sat on the edge of my bed. Then I burst out crying as she hugged me tight. The ugly kind where you're panting (?) -slash- hyperventilating and all sorts of moisture is coming out your face. I wasn't wearing waterproof mascara either.

Then I just cried a while. Eventually I had some verbal diarrhoea and it went everywhere. All over the place.

I barfed on about how I hate when people ask if I have "family", meaning kids. I tell them I don't and they look at me like they know there's something wrong with me even though I don't know if there's something wrong. I spewed about how I like it just being Stuart and me and how I wouldn't mind it being that way forever. I just went on and on about how I feel specific people are disappointed in us for not having kids and how I hate that and think it's rude when they say things about it.

I cried my eyes out and it'll happen again in 6 months because it's ok to be not-ok.

I slept good.

This morning I got up early. Yesterday was rainy but today was sunny.

We went into town and I got a few things. We went to the butchers for mince for dinner. We went to Tesco for some groceries. Then we relived a little of our history and had breakfast in the cafe, my treat this time. Mum said she loved it but it made her sad because I'll leave and she won't have the tradition will be gone again. Such is life though...

I love my mum and I'm grateful she can make me burst out crying just by looking at me with her heart. We have a connection and it's deep. Spirit to spirit. Heart to heart. I get her. She gets me.


Rachel Keyser said...

I've been there many times. It took me 3 1/2 years to get pregnant with my son Logan. There wasn't anything "wrong" with me. It just took that long for some reason, and looking back I am thankful it did. As a couple we got to experience so many fun things together.

Because we had good jobs and owned a home, everyone assumed that we were selfishly putting off having children. (this REALLY annoyed me)

The Lord has a plan for you and your family whether it involves children (which hopefully it does) or not. Make the most of it! :)

Sherpa said...

I love that you have your mom.

In unrelated news, your mom does look like she could be my aunt.. Wow, she looks like my mom's side of the family. But then my mom is probably at least half scottish/english.

Cecily said...


You're right. It's okay to not be-ok. Also, people can be so accidentally-terrible when it comes to not having children. They don't get it, they don't understand, and it's hard.

I'm glad you have your mom! Moms make all the difference in the world, right? Hugs and love going your way today...

Chiemi said...

Okay, this is pathetic, but I am crying right now because I have been having a HELL of a day and it's only 10:20 and I've already told 2 people that I'm doing great when I'm not. You're right. It's ok to not be ok all the time.

You, are an awesome wonderful person and it's super hard to deal with people when they make things unhappy. I'll never judge you, wait that's not true. I judge you to be a cool, witty, talented, amazing person. Sorry, can't help it. I'm judgy. :)

trina said...

oh sweet laura!! I think you're the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas! i tend to break down a couple times a year. ususally the end of february and again in november, it's nice to hear that other people do it too, and that it's ok.

i sure heart the heck out of you though! triple puff heart, in fact! i'm sorry that people say unkind things. that is un cool. totally. but you've got triple puffy hearts coming your way from us in DC!


Stuart said...

*Big Squeeze* mmmmmmmmmH! I'm partial to you too. Like totally. Like a wonky sideways 8.

Megan Marie said...

moms are the best. :) love you.

Emily and Linda said...

Hi, sweet Laura. I'm the former librarian from 6th ward who would ask you questions about being British and Scottish, etc. I read your blog and I want to put my arms around you and give you a hug. Will and I can't have kids and we adopted Emily after 4 years of waiting on "the list" and 7 years of marriage. I KNOW exactly how you feel and what you are experiencing. People can be very insensitive because they simply don't think. You and Stuart became a family the day you were married. Sometimes that truth didn't help because some people were so public about something very private between me and Will. Having said that, I sincerely pray you will find peace, comfort, and the sustaining power that comes from YOU knowing what the Lord desires for you. You're in my prayers!
Love, Linda Hess

***** said...

I stumbled on to you from Lindsay Heinzen. I love your posts! You are darling, and a fabulous artist!

I have gotten those looks before and this is what I like to say to shut down sillys that don't have manners about people's personal baby business...
"nine months from tonight" with a wink and a smile.
Best of luck to you and your sadness. Love your life, Heavenly Father does.

PS.That's a cutie mum.

Lawther family said...

Oh Laura,
you are so loved and I don't think anyone read this without crying. The world is unkind to that which they don't understand. All I know is that the Lord knows our hearts. My heart is with you and I pray that my words have not hurt your sweet soul. Take care my friend and know that we all have breakdowns... almost alway two to three times a year... I think it is the way girls are wired. we love you

Rachel said...

I like that it's ok to not be ok. I think we all forget that a lot. I just love your mom, she seems like such a wonderful woman. Guess the apple really doesn't fall far right? :) Love and miss you!