I have a big breakdown about 3 times a year. I try to do it in private because it mostly comes from me feeling sorry for myself. I tell myself that as a way to sort of deal with issues that are a big enough deal for me to lose my mind over, but also as a way to not go completely insane. I like having a reason for all things. It's probably a control issue. Anyway, last night I felt I was on the verge of the breakdown. I understand myself well enough to just let it come and then it'll go. I don't fight it.
It came last night as I was going to bed. My mum came in to say goodnight to me. She asked if I was ok. I said no. I always say no these days. I say no and I smile because it's ok to not be ok. If you say yes and you're not ok, then that's lying.
She asked something else and the answer was no. No, I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to cry and be done. She asked something else and I said no. She sat on the edge of my bed. Then I burst out crying as she hugged me tight. The ugly kind where you're panting (?) -slash- hyperventilating and all sorts of moisture is coming out your face. I wasn't wearing waterproof mascara either.
Then I just cried a while. Eventually I had some verbal diarrhoea and it went everywhere. All over the place.
I barfed on about how I hate when people ask if I have "family", meaning kids. I tell them I don't and they look at me like they know there's something wrong with me even though I don't know if there's something wrong. I spewed about how I like it just being Stuart and me and how I wouldn't mind it being that way forever. I just went on and on about how I feel specific people are disappointed in us for not having kids and how I hate that and think it's rude when they say things about it.
I cried my eyes out and it'll happen again in 6 months because it's ok to be not-ok.
I slept good.
This morning I got up early. Yesterday was rainy but today was sunny.
We went into town and I got a few things. We went to the butchers for mince for dinner. We went to Tesco for some groceries. Then we relived a little of our history and had breakfast in the cafe, my treat this time. Mum said she loved it but it made her sad because I'll leave and she won't have the tradition will be gone again. Such is life though...
I love my mum and I'm grateful she can make me burst out crying just by looking at me with her heart. We have a connection and it's deep. Spirit to spirit. Heart to heart. I get her. She gets me.