Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Baby: Confession

I've been quite reluctant to really blog about how excited I am right now because I have a lot of friends struggling with infertility at the moment. I suppose I feel guilty that I have what they want - and worse yet, that I'm happy to have what they want whilst they sit broken hearted... I've been there myself and there was never anything anyone could ever say to me to make me feel like things would be alright or fair.

The wait to come to terms with never having children seemed to take forever for me. I'd say a good 6 years or so. I began accepting it and gave up the burden of desperation to The Big Man in charge and it didn't take long before I was spending my time living more freely and learning along the way - I started getting healthy and losing weight, I got my degree in graphic design etc.

With the defenses gone I could honestly smile and be happy when friends would announce their pregnancies - their first, second, third, fourth pregnancies. It felt nice to be genuine and not have the cloud of selfish gloom hanging over me at those times. Without the, "why not me? what have I done to deserve this?" and other personal attacks I felt like I could breath and enjoy their special moment with them - like a true friend.

Infertility is personal though. It cuts to the core of your womanhood, womanly worth and faith. For me it felt like a punishment. I felt forgotten and a bit like a joke. God's own joke - "I put women down there to help multiply and replenish the Earth but not you, Laura! Neener neener neener!"

At this moment in time the wait seems like nothing. I hardly remember the angst of feeling and seeing my "monthly visitor". I hardly remember the crying, frustration, or depression now. I know it's made me more sensitive and in tune with others but when I think about it I feel calm instead of bitter.

Anyone going through this struggle will have heard, "everything happens for a reason", "your turn will come" - all words of wisdom from people who have what we want, people who never struggled or waited to get it. The truth is though, that things really DO happen for a reason.

Wait, trust and be patient because your turn WILL come. It's not going to be how you expect it - or it would have happened a long time ago BUT it'll happen and it'll make sense. It'll make the most perfect sense...


Tennille said...

Oh Laura, I love you! I know we have never met but I love you still.
I love this post. I am SO excited for you and Stewart!
I have been waiting a little over a year now for number 2 and what you said/wrote just solidifies the feelings I have been having regarding out next little one. He will come, when Heavenly Father is ready to send him. This I know, and all I have to do is be patient enough to wait..... Funny thought - sorry to share it on your blog comments but I will anyway. I was writing in my journal 2 nights ago, I read my Patriarctical Blessing (i keep it in there so I know where it is)I came across a part that has always made me giggle. Basically it tells me that I have a patient spirit. I makes me giggle because I'm not very patient. For a long time now I was sure this was referring to waiting for Jacob to be ready to get married. He knew he wanted to marry me but is slow to make life changes. We were together 3 years before we got married. As I was reading it again it came to me that it's also referring to this whole baby thing. I have been promised this little boy, I KNOW he is coming so all I need to do now is trust in the Lord and he will come. It also came to me that we need to be praying for this little one instead of just hoping, I don't know why we haven't before but that what we are going to start doing.
Anyway - long comment - sorry... I just wanted to let you know that I love your post, and I'm SO excited for you!!!

Laurie said...

Lessons in trusting the Lord's timeline are the hardest, in my opinion.

I always wondered why it was hard to meet men who were actually NICE to me. Then when I started listening to that still small voice that was prompting me to d the scariest thing EVER, pack up my car with only my necessities, and move to Los Angeles without even having a home, I found my husband almost immediately.

Our first baby came easily, but our second did not. I know the emotional pain of years of the monthly visitor and miscarriages, especially when we're commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. But it's funny how again, the Lord's timeline has worked in my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and had to get that taken care of, and then my first was diagnosed with autism, and I mourned SO HARD... but as soon as I embraced his autism and got proactive about it, a strong second pink line finally appeared on that pregnancy test.

It really is about the big picture and it NEVER makes sense until things unfold. But once they do, they will bring you closer to a Heavenly Father who really does trust you, and wants for you to be a mother.

By the way, I don't think I've ever told you this, but I have prayed many a night for Baby Adams. It seemed like an injustice to me, too. ;) You and Stewart were so obviously meant to be parents... we all saw your nurturing instinct with your nephew Cameron when he was living with you. We are all so excited for you, Laura. I can't wait for you to finally hold your baby in your arms.

Stephanie Kelly said...

*nodding head in total agreement* It hits home to me, for I have woman problems too. I still have not seen/met your beautiful face in person, but you are my kinderd spirit and when I do (because I will) a hug will be for sure...one day my love one day.

Aimee said...

I love your honesty. I have been on the other side, the never having to wait side... not for that. I guess we all have to wait on the Lord for something or another. Anyway, multiple times I've de-emphasized my own joy in the fear that it may add to the pain of others, a pain I've never felt but can imagine cuts very deep. I've felt the need to walk on egg shells around those who just keep waiting. Thanks, for sharing your feelings so honestly. I guess, what I'm getting at is I realized reading your comments that the best thing I can do for a friend struggling with childlessness is pray for them, morn with them, and let them know I have the same hopes for them that they have for themselves. The Lord is the one who heals wounds but I can give love, something everyone needs.

Mary Ann said...

Dear Laura. Yup, I still check up on you from time to time. Thank you for putting it all into words. That was very descriptive, and it is nice when people are open about how hard infertility is. THank you for sharing your words.

Isabelle Thornton said...

I understand this post so much! I waited 3 years for this baby. Cried each time i heard someone was pregnant or was having a baby. Was mad when someone who uses drugs and such was pregnant...Claiming it was not fair... I would avoid looking at my friend's babies. One day...i stopped crying. I started being happy for them. Was not even paying attention with my period and at the worst time EVER. I needed antibiotics and decided to take a test...in case..so i would not hurt anything if there, with the medication. There it was positive. I don't know why things happen when it happens. I don't understand why we have to go through the pain and why some woman never have children. But i understand. Does it give us more compassion for others...Don't know...Love this post.

Constance said...

I've been dealing with infertility for 20 years. We've tried everything from basal body temperature monitoring, to IVF, to the old "stop trying and it will happen." It's been painful, but I have had to accept that it will not happen in this lifetime. It's still bittersweet when a friend or family member announces another pregnancy, but I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.