I've been quite reluctant to really blog about how excited I am right now because I have a lot of friends struggling with infertility at the moment. I suppose I feel guilty that I have what they want - and worse yet, that I'm happy to have what they want whilst they sit broken hearted... I've been there myself and there was never anything anyone could ever say to me to make me feel like things would be alright or fair.
The wait to come to terms with never having children seemed to take forever for me. I'd say a good 6 years or so. I began accepting it and gave up the burden of desperation to The Big Man in charge and it didn't take long before I was spending my time living more freely and learning along the way - I started getting healthy and losing weight, I got my degree in graphic design etc.
With the defenses gone I could honestly smile and be happy when friends would announce their pregnancies - their first, second, third, fourth pregnancies. It felt nice to be genuine and not have the cloud of selfish gloom hanging over me at those times. Without the, "why not me? what have I done to deserve this?" and other personal attacks I felt like I could breath and enjoy their special moment with them - like a true friend.
Infertility is personal though. It cuts to the core of your womanhood, womanly worth and faith. For me it felt like a punishment. I felt forgotten and a bit like a joke. God's own joke - "I put women down there to help multiply and replenish the Earth but not you, Laura! Neener neener neener!"
At this moment in time the wait seems like nothing. I hardly remember the angst of feeling and seeing my "monthly visitor". I hardly remember the crying, frustration, or depression now. I know it's made me more sensitive and in tune with others but when I think about it I feel calm instead of bitter.
Anyone going through this struggle will have heard, "everything happens for a reason", "your turn will come" - all words of wisdom from people who have what we want, people who never struggled or waited to get it. The truth is though, that things really DO happen for a reason.
Wait, trust and be patient because your turn WILL come. It's not going to be how you expect it - or it would have happened a long time ago BUT it'll happen and it'll make sense. It'll make the most perfect sense...