Monday, October 24, 2011
When we first moved to California Stuart strongly encouraged me to find fulfillment in my life since for the previous 5 years I'd been entirely dedicated to following him on his educational journey and supporting him wherever that took us. I'd expected along the way to become "with child" and so didn't engage myself in any commitments that would be affected by becoming pregnant.
Pregnancy was always the next goal, the next logical step and expectation of us. We never felt too much pressure within our own relationship to focus very hard on that next goal because we were ok with each other and the pattern our life was following ie. autumn and winter in Rexburg, Idaho and then summers working in Washington. The main thing that made not achieving it difficult was explaining to people how long we've been married and how many kids we don't have. Feeling judged and embarrassed or like everyone knew there was something wrong with me that I didn't know about; that's when it was the most difficult. Those feelings took root deep in my sense of who I was meant to be, the spirit of my womanhood. The more time that passed, the more hurtful and regular those looks and sometimes, comments became and the stronger the roots took hold. I felt like I was failing at something I was supposed to have been made for and also confusing because I felt like I didn't really want it when I should have. It was frustrating because I had no control and no answer for why our attempts were failing - now I know differently.
My story is no secret, I have shared it before. What is new is that a few weeks ago whilst watching the LDS General Conference I gained some understanding and true contentment like never before; perspective that's really rounded my character. I feel practically enlightened!
I feel like I've been extremely blessed the last couple of years since moving to California and working on fulfilling my potential: we moved into a little house, I got my degree in graphic design, lost a good chunk of weight, became pregnant... Lots of really great stuff all coming to pass through hard work, planning and faith.
That Sunday whilst watching conference a talk by Robert D Hales really left a huge impression. The little quote they use from the talk, on the website is this:
"The purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences."
The quote that my mind keeps wandering back to is, "In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often “here a little and there a little” because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do."
Yes. That is why I'm where I am now. All those years of knowing what direction I was expected to go in wasn't the direction I honestly, truly wanted to go in. I needed to be prepared to do my "here a little and there a little" before receiving a blessing I was being prepared for. I did my part. I knocked and then received - a change of heart and eventually this wiggly baby.
Hard work, planning and faith. Here a little and there a little.
"Waiting upon the Lord gives us a priceless opportunity to discover that there are many who wait upon us. Our children wait upon us to show patience, love, and understanding toward them. Our parents wait upon us to show gratitude and compassion. Our brothers and sisters wait upon us to be tolerant, merciful, and forgiving. Our spouses wait upon us to love them as the Savior has loved each one of us." ---Robert D Hales
Read, listen to, or watch the talk here.