Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Infertility: Part 1

It's no secret that we waited a long time to have Autumn, or to be given Autumn. After 6 1/2 years of being married I'd given up hope of having a baby and had come to terms with the idea of Stuart and I being together forever, just the two of us. I stopped focusing on "replenishing the earth" and got on with my life - weight loss and education took the front seat whilst I adjusted to shrugging off my monthly disappointment. It was easier to carry on without the pangs of hopelessness than I expected. I wondered why I didn't do it sooner and I was surprised how I didn't feel guilty getting on with my life and not hoping for the gift I thought womanhood owed me.

Womanhood. In my darkest hours I wondered what the point was. Why was I a woman when my body wouldn't function womanly. Why was I cursed with a monthly reminder that I was broken? Would I always have to suffer physically and mentally for nothing? What was the point? Mother Nature was a jerk.

There was no earthly reason why we were still childless 7 years later. We did what we were meant to do when we were supposed to, and when we wanted to. I could only imagine what a positive pregnancy test looked like. Watching friends have their first, second, third, fourth, and a couple of fifth kids became unbearable pretty early on. Heart breaking. My mum always said that I would have babies which broke my heart even more. Not only was I waiting but other people were too.

We were done. Fine, whatever, Heavenly Father. Our 7 year anniversary came and our hearts started to heal. It was a fresh start. Plans of projects, traveling places; a future just the two of us. Then 3 months later I was sick. Sick, exhausted, emotional. Pregnancy never crossed my mind. I'd stopped making an effort in that department months ago. The stress of school had filled the space left by the stress of not getting what I wanted. I couldn't remember being so stressed before. I started sleeping all day. I only ate shredded wheat, I had no taste for anything anymore. I'd cry when Stuart left for school so sad to be alone and cry when he got back because I was so happy. All of this seemed normal behaviour for a stressed-beyond-belief person.

Stuart suggested I take a pregnancy test. I said I could wait a month to let Mother Nature do her own. Stuart reminded me Mother Nature hadn't showed up for a while.

I took a test.

Mother Nature was a jerk, I didn't change my mind about that but she was also a control freak.

She let me be pregnant on her terms.

Photo by Blue Lily


Katie Phillips said...

Laura, that was such a wonderful post! It about brought me to tears! Thank you for sharing. So glad you have darling little Autumn. She's lucky to have such a wonderful mother!

Lindsay said...

i love you.